I GOT NO TIME TO ROLL AROUND IN THE MUD! VICTORY WILL BE HAD!
Community Profile:
For the last forty years, the Kingston Staff Bugle has been the local leader in post-factual news, or alternately, impressionistic neo-reportage. From reporting on a perceived shortage of quality pruning shears in local hardware stores in 1971, to printing an editorial bemoaning human rights abuses in Antarctica under the rule of “whoever they got running the show up there” in 1988, to a “preliminary account” of Bob Newhart’s (as it turns out, imaginary) arrest for producing snuff films, The Buge has been reporting tirelessly every so often on events that feel true, or should be true, but which are usually, in the conventional sense, wrongish. The paper, produced in its first fifteen years in ink-or-lead-on-paper form, has since converted to a state-of-the-art Microsoft Word computer-printed format. The publication’s founder, Stan Eckert, has edited, written and distributed the paper himself since its inception to a readership consisting of people in his neighbourhood who have not already taken out a restraining order against him. “A lot of people think my paper prints nothing but lies, distortions of the truth and slander,” Eckert stated in an interview at his home on Nelson Street. He then cleared his throat and looked as if he was about to continue, but didn’t. Here is a look at some of the most memorable headlines from Kingston’s favourite bi-every-now-and-then-ly:
1969: “Neil Armstrong: Illegal Immigrant From the Moon”
1978: “Milkshakes: A Tasty Solution to the Problem of Racism”
1987: “The Brazilian Threat: Is There One? Can Someone Tell Me?”
Dec. 1999: “World to End Soon: An Extensive List of My Secret Shames and Hatreds”
Jan 2000: “I Don’t Recall Saying the World Was Going to End, And No, I Don’t Actually Have Those Dreams About Lee Marvin, That Was a Joke”
2005: “Paul Martin: Has He Admitted to Killing His Cousin? Does He Have a Cousin?”
2008: “40th Anniversary Edition: O Death, Thy Sweet Embrace Bestow Upon Me”
Godspeed, Stan, godspeed!
RANDOM MAUNDERINGS:
Now that Stephen Harper’s been re-elected, I’m hoping he’ll finally just cut all government programs. Actually, who says we need a government at all? If this man has any guts, he’ll dissolve the current system and install a puppet government. And I do mean ACTUAL puppets. Casey from Mr. Dressup gets my vote for Education Minister… I’m guilty only of caring too much. If that’s a crime, so be it. Oh, and I’m also guilty of perjury. If that’s a crime, then—well, yeah, that’s a crime… So the Americans have a new president. While I do not care for his politics, I do appreciate how he refers to people as “folks”. To me that says, “I may be smart, but you don’t have to be,” and I like that… Are people having sex differently nowadays? Like on swingsets? Where did I hear that?… Local favourite Morton Ridehouse turned seventy last week. Kudos to you, Mort, for doing all of those vague, nonspecific, ostensibly pleasant things you do… Saw a trailer for a new Brad Pitt movie where he plays a guy who ages backwards. The guy’s name is Benjamin Button, and it’s quite a curious case. I believe it’s called The Death of the Really Old Baby… Was watching a show with a religious scholar who said that the original name for the Book of Exodus was “Goin’ Places”, and that the original name for the Book of Genesis was “Let’s Get This Party Started”. It seems dubious to me, but he was speaking in front of a brick wall to a very receptive crowd at what seemed to be some sort of religious scholar’s club, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus, the brick wall behind him looked nice… Finally, RIP to the drummer from the Jimi Hendrix Experience. One source reported that he died of rocking too hard, which I believe is a euphemism for cardiopulmonary arrest.
‘Til next time!
Darren Springer
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