Darren’s Ditherings

YOU’RE GONNA NEED A GLOVE OF STEEL FOR THE HEAT I’M THROWIN’ YOUR WAY!!!!!

COMMUNITY PROFILE: Ah, Hollywood. The city where stars are born, celebrated, mocked, humiliated, incinerated in a large furnace after outgrowing their use, and forgotten like the strangled whisper of a leprechaun’s dream. There are a million stories in that tawdry mecca of technicolor spectacle. The tale of former Kingstonian Flint Beverage is one of them.

Mr. Beverage moved to the City of Windy Lights in 1984, just one in a long line of small-town kids with pluck, gumption, deep-seated rage towards their emotionally distant parents, sociopathic tendencies, vials of mood-stabilizing medication they never actually take, records of frequent indecent exposure during church services and bake sales, constant hallucinations, and dreams of stardom. Flint wasted little time building a filmography, winning roles on Magnum P.I. (Guy Who Kinda Mumbles the Word “Margarine”), Hill Street Blues (Man at Christmas Party Who Keeps Talking About Eddie Money), and Night Court (Shrimp Company Mascot’s Lawyer’s Sister’s Husband’s Dining Room Table). His big break came in 1987’s legal thriller Irresponsible Evidence (”When Justice is Blind, Revenge Keeps Walking Into Traffic”), in which he played young hotshot attorney Skiff Pokeworthy opposite Robert Duvall as veteran prosecutor Mallet Barnstorm. His infamous line during the electrifying final summation scene became one of the year’s biggest catchphrases: “We all love smooth peanut butter, ladies and gentlemen, but for justice to be served in this case, we ALL gotta get a little crunchy!” Despite some puzzling artistic choices on the part of director Claudio Jackson (for instance, most of the film’s love scenes, meant to take place in Skiff’s bedroom, were clearly filmed in the middle of a Shriner’s convention), the film was a biggish hit that earned gobs of a money-like substance.

The hits continued with 1988’s spy thriller Jiff Gracknell: Rendezvous With Impertinence, 1989’s romantic comedy Restraining Order (with the ill-advised tagline “You Are Hereby Ordered to Stay One Hundred Yards Away… From Hilarity!”), and 1990’s supernatural legal romantic comedy thriller Dead Guy Lawyer Love Thingy (tagline: “Look, Just Watch This, OK Dumbshit?”). While the latter film did respectable business, creative fatigue clearly plagued its makers; for example, the first hour of the movie consisted of footage from Rob Lowe’s sex tape set to the voice of an on-set teamster describing his dream episode of Jake and the Fatman. Reviews were unkind, and by 1994 Beverage was relegated to such straight-to-video fare as Explosionary Measures (with a pre-plastic surgery Morgan Fairchild), The Forgotten 5: The Forgettening (with a post-plastic surgery Mickey Rourke), and Funny Title 7: The Laughter Dies (co-starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, who filmed his scenes in the middle of receiving plastic surgery, which explains why his character is always shown on an operating table, even as he’s supposed to be falling out of an airplane). Mr. Beverage retired from acting in 1998, and now works at attempting to find employment. He has said he would consider acting again, but only on the condition that someone offers him a role.

RANDOM MAUNDERINGS: Classic song of the week: Ottawa’s The Cave Dudes and their 1968 anti-Vietnam War single “War? Seriously? That’s Still a Thing? Oh, Come On! Pfft. Whatever”…If you’re a detective investigating the murder of Jesus Christ, you might want to pay attention to Pontius Pilate and his shifty eyes…Well, you know what they say: the camera adds ten pounds of high-grade heroin…I wish sitcom audiences were more disruptive. They should say things like, “Oh, that’s so cliched!”, or “I hate this character!”, or “Fuck you, French Stewart!”

Til next time, kids!
Darren Springer