RayJon Artemis IV: The Apple Crisp Interview

(If there’s a leading light in the local R&B scene, it’s the Limestone Lothario himself, RayJon Artemis IV. After three platinum albums, four double-platinum singles, and five triple-platinum heart attacks, Mr. Artemis has earned his place in the Kingston pop pantheon.  We were fortunate enough to sit down with Artemis a few weeks before the release of his new album.)

Pick Witherz: Hi, RayJon. Thanks for talking with me.

RayJon Artemis IV: Thank you for thanking me, and for allowing me to allow you to be here.

PW: So tell us about your new album.

RAIV: It’s out in two weeks, and it’s called Roborgasmic Telegram: Funkotronic Lovesauce.

PW: And it’s a concept album?

RAIV: Yeah, it’s all about this futuristic society where robots get deprogrammed and they gotta bone with human beings.

PW: The subject of boning is one you feel strongly about, right?

RAIV: Yeah, I feel like if every world leader boned once a day, there wouldn’t be any more wars related to not getting boned.

PW: And so you’re focused on the future of boning?

RAIV: Yeah. Boning is always gonna be around, and robots are the future. So I’m bringing the future and the eternal together. That’s how I live, actually. In the future. Ask me a question.

PW: Ok, uh… what’s the first single?

RAIV: Head lice. See? I answered the question you’re gonna ask four questions from now.

PW: Which is?

RAIV: What’s your favorite song on the album?

PW: Huh. So the album’s proceeds are dedicated to the Artemis Foundation for Boning Research, is that true?

RAIV: It is. We’re also funding research into boning fatigue and an Anti-Boneless Attack Squad.

PW: Some have accused you of being insensitive to the plight of the boneless. Is that true?

RAIV: Absolutely. I mean, do I endorse violence against those who do not bone? No. But neither do I denounce it, you know?

PW: Back to the album. What would you say is your favourite track on it?

RAIV: Peanut butter.

PW: Your favourite song is “peanut butter”?

RAIV: No, that’s the answer to the question you’re gonna ask five questions from now.

PW: Amazing. So tell us more about robolove, What are these future robots gonna be like?

RAIV: Well, machines now are asexual. You try to have sex with a machine now, no one understands. Not your family, not your friends, not the people who work the Sunday shift at Radio Shack, nobody. But the machines of the future will be b-sexual, because they will BE sexual, you know?

PW: Will these robots be able to conceive?

RAIV: Naw. That’s the beautiful thing, especially if you hate human beings like I do. Nothing but guilt-free boning with no responsibilities. Like the 60′s, without the bad stuff like people dying in Vietnam, but with the good stuff, like people dying in America.

PW: This dying you mentioned- that’s from a war, right? What’s this war gonna be about?

RAIV: This is something I depict on the album. The war’s gonna be about a shortage of robots to bone. The evil corporations that control the world are gonna put everyone in factories, and the most boned 10% of the population will do 85% of the world’s boning. They’ll get overthrown by General Bonekoff, a former soldier in the ElitiBone Army who has a change of heart about his oppression of the unboned.

PW: I heard you’re making this into a movie. Who’s going to star?

RAIV: I talked to Will Smith, but he looked confused. I talked to Colin Farrell, but he looked confused too, but that might’ve been because I was yelling at him across a movie theatre. Tobey Maguire said he’d do it, but he also said he’d almost certainly change his mind. We’re cautiously optimistic.

PW: So who directed your first video?

RAIV: (sighs) Damn it, I already told you! Peanut Butter!

PW: Oh, sorry.

RAIV: I told you, I don’t live in the now, I live in the future. In fact, I’m not even here. I left ten minutes ago.

PW: What? No you didn’t!

(Author’s note: At this point, RayJon evaporated into thin air. At first I was confused. Then I suddenly woke up in my own bed at home, and found RayJon Artemis IV sleeping next to me. He was clutching a jar of peanut butter and a toy robot. In his sleep, he muttered, “People of earth: you have nothing to lose but your chains. You have a world of boning to win.” I breathed a sigh of relief.)

Pick Witherz