THE PEOPLE’S CHAMPION!!!
God, what a day today! What a day! Beautiful weather out there, Kingstonites. The kind that makes you think that maybe your life choices weren’t as cataclysmic or fatal as you thought. The kind that drapes you in a thin blanket of just-fine. The kind that makes you believe in the human spirit, or its cheapest substitute. If you’re like me, lads and ladies, you’ll promenade down to the lake or lounge around the park, wearing cloth shorts, talking about ice cream, and gazing into your lover’s retinas like a demented herdsman in love. For spring is the season of renewal, of new beginnings, of despair being scraped from our skin by the sandpaper of hope. In these bright days, similes drop from my pockets like similes falling onto the ground from my pockets. I want to shout at everyone around me, “Cradle me! Love me as I am! I like Dan Fogelberg, but I want to LOVE him! Help me make the leap!” Music sounds better, especially the polka-fusion of my own band The Bratbest of Times, The Bratwurst of Times or the “no-form jazz” (as I call it) of my solo project, recorded under the pseudonym Ivan Aspane. Ice-cold lemonade tastes sweeter and colder, and is 80% more likely to evoke our long-faded dreams of a better life. And women look more beautiful, I might add, including the ones administering your treatment for Demerol addiction at the rehab center. So enjoy it while it lasts, Kingstononians, before the vile, spiteful decadence of summer assaults us with its gratuitous heat and smug opulence, crushing us under an oppressive and indifferent sun that obliterates our hope for a better world. Now get out there and play some volleyball!
RANDOM MAUNDERINGS: Was going through an old issue of Rolling Stone from 1981 today. Saw the following ad in the classified section: “Get beaten by a former insurance salesman. He will stop when he is good and ready. Your debasement awaits. Rush $10 to ‘Unfortunate Encounters’, 521 Walmont, Charlotte NC, 28201″… Also in the same section, I saw this announcement: “Happy birthday, Lindsey Buckingham. Your secret is safe with me! Love, Lindsey Buckingham”… Was reminded today of a joke my Uncle Twink would crack around the Easter dinner table: “Rectum? Dang near made him ponder his own mortality!”… Celebrated April Fool’s Day today by having the ex-wife phone each of my three kids and tell them I’d died. The kids caught on, though, and all of them apparently played along by contacting the executor of my will and, with their respective tongues in their cheeks, playfully demanding to know their shares. What a bunch of great sports!… Got a custom keychain made yesterday that says “Putting the ‘Crotch’ Back in Crotchety”. I got another one that says “Juno Beach: We Will Never Remember to Forget to Remember”… In closing, let me quote the immortal words of Voltaire: “I do not agree with a word that you say, but I am right to say that I will defend your death.”
‘Til next time, kittens!
Darren Springer
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