Kingston: An Entirely Unhelpful Summer Tourist Guide.

Kingston. The Limestone Labyrinth. City of Sandals. The Wettest City in Canada, where even the malevolent, murderous grifters are constantly soaked. Celebrities calling it home include Dan Aykroyd, Don Cherry, jazz musician LaTelle Gibraltar, actor Gorn Silvers (who plays Detective Fuzz Officer on the CTV drama Cop Police) and fitness guru Kory Kyck (author of Wait, Loser! Be a Weight Loser!). Visit our burg and get your picture taken with the world’s largest melted candle, Canada’s most ignored bridge, the site of the upcoming International Fake Olympics, Ontario’s most cynical puppy, and Bryce Coborn, the world’s only Bruce Cockburn imitator. (Why imitator and not impersonator? Because he mainly just follows Bruce Cockburn around town, mocking the way he carries groceries or eats popcorn.)

Landmarks aren’t the only things to recommend Kingston to the outside world, of course. Our town is a cultural hotbed. Connoisseurs of fine theatre might appreciate the work of Kingston’s premier dance company, Lavender Heat. Their acclaimed shows include 2003′s Muted Sensuality: The Horn of Intimacy, 2006′s Desire in a Broken Hammock, and 2009′s Silver and Sweat: More Tales From the Broken Hammock. We also have a thriving music scene, with artists as diverse as alternative rockers Queasily Amused, the swing-jazz stylings of Soft Release, and hip-hop artist Quizzuhkull, who “spits” such incisive lines as “Yo I get props but I ain’t the prop boy/You out of style like a Kindergarten Cop toy/Yo, did they ever make a Kindergarten Cop toy?/Regardless, I’d really like to emphasize that I’m not the prop boy.”

Hungry? Boy, does Kingston ever have establishments where food is! How about 634 Princess St., home of the This Ain’t Right Diner (“You’ll eat whatever’s left”)? Or how about The Reheat is On, the only restaurant in town specializing in microwave cooking? Sit back and let their wide variety of burritos, Hungry Man dinners and instant soups get thrown angrily onto your table by the surliest wait staff in Kingston. The standout: Hank, the 74 year old bus boy who will perform, for any customer celebrating a birthday, an impromptu lecture on a topic such as “Toothpaste Commercials Are Too Loud These Days” or “I Still Like My Son Who’s in Prison More Than the Other One”.

That’s just a hint of what Kingston has to offer any and all from far and abroad. You could also tour the Unfinished Playground out at Cataraqui. (Motto: “One SLIDE fits all [because we just have the one slide].”) Then there’s the Unsupervised Petting Zoo, where the bunny rabbits follow their own twisted moral code, or the province’s only organic sex farm. But whatever you choose to do here, just remember: don’t even think of looking in the pit. You won’t even find anything, unspeakably filthy and corrupting or otherwise. It’s just boring.

Pick Witherz